Today’s blog comes with a heavy heart, but needs to be said. Often times we stay in a situation that we are unhappy in because we are scared of the unknown. We often think we can find a way to make the current situation better and sometimes that does work. However, I am here to tell you that it doesn’t always happen that way.
This past year I filed for divorce from my husband Jeff. This blog isn’t to put him down, belittle him or call him out, but it’s to share my story of the fear of letting go of something that was slowly killing me inside. It’s to show you that no matter what social media says there are always things in the background happening in people’s lives. It’s to give you encouragement if you are in a similar situation to know you can have the body you want, the happiness you deserve and reach the goals you want to achieve.
8 years ago, after having Meg something critical happened in my marriage. Jeff happened to get caught starring at another females’ butt. While I know this sounds crazy that I would be so upset and to my defense I did have a baby 3 days before this incident so hormones were out of control. The problem why it hurt so bad was the look he gave her I had never seen out of him before. He had never looked at me that way ever!
If I would have known then what I know now things may have taken a different path. However, back then I needed my husband to give me my confidence boost. I was looking to him to make me feel better about myself. Which is why it hurt so bad when this incident had happened. It wasn’t the fact he looked, it was the fact that I could see that we didn’t have the connection I thought we had. I now know that this confidence I was wanting from him can only come from within me, but hind sight is 20/20. For the next 8 years I decided to put all my effort into finding out why I felt this way, why he looked at someone else with such passion and why he didn’t do that to me and how we could somehow change this. This is what started my very long journey of true happiness.
We decided to start marriage counseling which ended up being more of me going by myself as he couldn’t find time to go. Everything we were told to try Jeff wouldn’t commit and follow through with doing and I just got angrier and more frustrated. Honestly as the time moved forward I started to just focus on me because that’s all I could control. I couldn’t control Jeff or his actions/reactions or how he did/didn’t do things. This was great for me because I was finally looking to myself for the solution, the confidence and growth I wanted, but it wasn’t great for the marriage. I started growing and evolving who I was and Jeff wasn’t growing with me.
As most of you know when we moved to Michigan it was because Jeff had a 2-year deployment to Portugal. When that deployment came around we both knew this would be the make it or break it of our marriage. It was time for fight or flight. While time apart does help for growth and you appreciate the time you do spend together, one thing that kept happening was I kept growing and Jeff didn’t. I finally had the confidence I wanted and I had found my passion and wanted to share that with the world. Jeff on the other hand was completely happy with his life and the way things were (per his words).
I was able to fly out multiple times to see Jeff while he was deployed and while we had this spark something was still missing. We couldn’t seem to connect emotionally. At this point I had realized this marriage was over and while I wasn’t willing to give up the fight, I wasn’t willing to give up my growth either. I concluded that all I needed and wanted from Jeff was for him to say I love you, for him to give me a compliment and encourage the girls here and there and to support me/my business. Which I believe is what a partner especially your husband should do. After all I left my career to follow him around the world in the military and raise our children. I had given so much of me to Jeff and the girls as I should, but in the process, I completely lost myself. I became someone who I didn’t even want to be. I felt fake and like I was living this complete lie or fantasy online and had this heartache inside. I also know that this mindset and going back and forth was pulling me down and backwards.
I truly know now that you can have true happiness, live a joyful life, raise your kids, have the body you want, have the job you desire, give love unconditionally, and truly have it all, but it all comes down to your mindset and you. These are things no one else can give you. They have to come from you! I’m not saying if you’re unhappy leave your spouse, but what I am saying is that you can’t look to someone else to make you happy. You choose to be happy or not. You choose to grow or you don’t, but you can’t put that responsibility on your partner. I put this responsibility on Jeff for many years and when he didn’t live up to the expectation I got upset, hurt, and angry. I’m not saying he isn’t at fault either because saying I love you to your spouse who you haven’t seen in months is something a partner should want to do for the other. However, he’s in charge of his actions and I’m in charge of my reactions.
I chose to leave, I chose to show my girls that when things aren’t changing and won’t change because the other person involved doesn’t want to change (his words not mine) you’re in a circle of insanity. Which is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If this is what’s happening then you need to step outside that circle. You need to walk away for your own health and happiness.
We literally were just living, not thriving, not connecting. Yes, we had fun and liked being around each other for the most part, but the true connection of love was 100% gone. Now I know I can be a royal b*tch sometimes and I’m not sitting here saying I was perfect in our marriage. However, I always strived for better, I always was pushing forward hoping and praying at some point Jeff would come along. He admitted once everything was filed with the court that he didn’t try because he didn’t think I was going to ever leave. That was the ultimate price I had to pay for saying I was going leave for the past 8 years and I never acted. While I knew I had a breaking point, I didn’t actually pull the trigger until I knew 100% without a doubt there was no fixing the marriage.
It’s ok to want more, to be more and not stop until your better is your best. You should be around people who lift you up, who support you, who encourage you. Not those who talk to you from fear and hold you back. Take a look at your friend’s circle and who is cheering you on and encouraging you versus those who are trying to bring you down. All these things play a role in your growth, mindset, and goals.
I filed for divorce and I knew it was the right thing to do regardless of how hard it was going to be because my heart had found an emotional connection somewhere else. When the heart knows it knows and growth changes who you are at the core and that can seem scary. Don’t run from it, embrace it, trust your gut instinct. I am putting this out there as I suffered for too many years trying to live up to some expectation of what a marriage should be. I was scared to take the leap of being on my own, I was scared of the growth, scared of failure, scared of the what if’s. The past two years I have been focusing on letting go of things I cannot change and embracing the things I can. Trusting myself, growing my confidence and not being ashamed of who I truly am at the core.
I am ever so grateful of the marriage I had with Jeff as it has brought me some amazing friends, and has taught me so much in life and about myself. It’s helped me to learn to let go because you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. Growth can be scary and moving on can be even scarier, but it’s all needed if you want to keep moving forward and reaching for goals.
I challenge you to ask yourself where is your growth? Are you thriving or barely surviving? While growth doesn’t happen overnight it happens little bit each day. What are you doing today to grow you? What truly brings you joy, happiness, and what is your passion? When you figure those things out that’s where true growth is formed.
The Journey Is Yours